Grave Diggers

August 7, 2008 at 2:17 pm | Posted in Thoughts | Leave a comment
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“Dig deep. Deep into the dark ground. Pile the earth in neat stacks, that they may be easily pushed in. A silver bolt of lightning streaks across the night. Rain falls, slowly at first, then heavier, and heavier… Hurry. We have no time. We can do it. WE CAN. Body heat provides a semblance of protection from the torrential heavens. He stops halfway through a particularly violent jab at the soggy ground. I can’t stand it any more. Should have done this earlier. I grab him. If you don’t dig, it will be us in this hole. He nods numbly and digs. Dig. Dig. Dig. It’s done. A gaping chasm, twelve feet deep, four feet wide. We carry it over. Throw it into the gap. Cover it slowly, pushing the earth back in. I stifle the vomit that rises in my throat. The shovel breaks. No. No. NO. I claw at the ground, pushing earth in with my own two hands.The rain gets lighter. Sun breaks through- blinding our tired, bloodshot eyes. From the hollow of a tree somewhere, birds chirp their morning song ignorantly. We stare at the sky, then each other, mouths agape. Laughter comes suddenly from our lips, softly, slowly. Silent giggles. Muffled chuckles. Then mad, insane cackling sparkling from our cracked lips as the ground falls apart at our very feet, piece by piece…”

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Do I have your attention? Well now, you may ignore all that. Pointless nonsense to waste others’ time. Results are coming out on Monday, apparently. I first heard of it through Chris’s blog. Eleventh of August. Well then. I didn’t really bother, then. Thought I’d wait for confirmation before jumping on the train and finding out it’s a prison train headed for the gulags. Exaggerating a bit there, but never mind. I don’t. Then I got a message confirming it sometime past one in the morning. There’s something rather convincing about information received when the rest of the immediate world is pretty much dead.

What do I expect from my results? Nothing great, that’s for sure. It’s not like I put in extra effort to excel. The college won’t be begging me to stay, though I’m not interested in staying anyway. What do I want? To have the status quo maintained? Or improved on? It’s hard to think so especially when you have a nagging feeling that what you did wasn’t satisfactory in the first place. But then I always feel that way until results pop out.

The way I figure it, the main problem is expectations. Score big on a previous outing, and you want to maintain that figure, or improve on it. It’s typical human behaviour. The problem is, the better you get, the harder it is to surpass yourself. The same way I’m drowning in frustration for repeatedly failing to break my most excellent solitaire record of 42 seconds.

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