The First Time Always Hurts.

August 14, 2008 at 6:55 pm | Posted in Thoughts | 3 Comments
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I do believe that I am cursed. Nothing that could cause deaths of people around me, or a sudden failure of the harvest. Nothing that dreadful, I’m afraid. It’s happened enough times for me to make this statement. I suffer from the ‘first day’ curse. That’s right. ‘First day’ curse.

I got out of bed at 9:15. Remember the previous post? No jeans allowed. Check. I wore a pair of beige cargo pants. Zipped up all the zips. No sports shoes? Check. Dad had a pair of leather shoes that he’d bought during a sale but hasn’t used. Took it. No t-shirts? Check. The only shirt I have is the long-sleeved one I got in Japan- which is much too good for daily use. And may I rot in hell if I ever classify it as ‘formal’ wear- it’s too pretty for such an insult. Instead I took one of my dad’s shirts- a short-sleeved batik-style shirt I got for him in Japan. That’s one good thing about Malaysia… something as colourful as batik is deemed ‘formalwear’ for cultural reasons. Thank you, you traditionalists.

After receiving my instructions on where to go- I trudged along to the designated classroom. The typical dull lecture on library usage. I was an idiot to walk into that one. One hour spent there.  noticed that most of the people there were guys- mostly foreigners too. There were about… four girls present? Quite a big change from A-levels where the guys were in the minority.

Went to look for Geoff in the com-lab, where he works part-time. Yesterday he’d told me that he’d told one girl about me, and that she wanted to meet me. So there I was, plodding through the place, and I noticed one girl. Wonder if that’s her, I thought. Didn’t even see her face. Turns out it was her- guess I have a strong sense for pointless things like these. We talked a little, but not much. She plans to do her masters in Japan. Same here, if I can(>∀<) Since the main reason she wanted to see me was because of my Jap, I tried to get her to speak some- she was too shy though. Geoff told me later that she’s quite popular- a lot of guys had tried to win her over. Apparently they all failed. He seemed to think I was interested in her, based on his admiration for how I’d spotted her before he’d even pointed her out. I don’t move that fast in this department.

This meeting also provided my twisted sense of hearing to screw up a perfectly normal statement. She’d introduced herself as um… I’m not sure about the spelling… Soo Ha. Sounds a little Korean, by the way. Anyway what I heard was “I’m so hot”. Gah.

Found Jimmy next. He was busy with some group discussion but gracefully took time off for a chat. The fella looks rather like Mr. Wilfred… what with his new hairdo and goatee. Looks more mature now… no more lil’ kid Jimmy:>

And here’s when the curse set in…

I was late for the next session- ‘team building’ or some nonsense like that. Seems a little silly because there are only six out of that mass of people who are gonna be in my course. I tried to find them. Second floor. That’s where it was supposed to be. Empty. Went down to the office. Asked someone there. She told me to hold on for a while- a lecturer was coming to send me there. Waited there, swivelling in the chair. Finally she said that I should probably go and check the class again, since the lecturer seemed to be MIA, and if there was no one there, to go down to admin. Great. Up I went again.Someone there, but he told me that something else was going on there. Down to admin. They sent me to the a classroom on the third floor. Popped in. There was a class going on. Told me to go up. Up I went, and there I noticed some people wrapping someone up in something. That had to be the place, but I was too tired to bother, after all that bumbling up and down, plus I could feel a headache boiling over.

Gave up on the edge of victory. Went down to the lobby, and sat there, waiting for the next session, a short seminar on the programme. Geoff had told me that the canteen was as bad as Sedaya’s. I decided not too eat, but hunger won, aided by boredom. Went over and bought a pack of mini chipsmore from the convenience store, and returned to my place in the lobby. As I munched and stared around me, I suddenly began to feel afraid. Very afraid. Afraid that I was in the wrong place for me. The com lab was huge and just too office like. The lift was an open type, in that the cables, springs and all were visible against the black walls. It all seemed so ominous. Worst of all were all those fellas walking around in office wear. It all seemed so… wrong! What else can you say about it? Wrong, wrong, WRONG! It’s just not right for youngsters to go about in clothes like that! It’s obviously a breach of social theory- throwing people into the next stage before while they’re still in what could possibly be their last chance in life to go about like lackadaisical harp-playing, life-lovers is nothing less than a crime against youth, wrought by the irrationality of old age and supposed maturity and self-righteousness. Looking at them I suddenly felt sick.

And as for the course itself… media. I thought that perhaps I should try one more time to convince my dad to let me take psychology. Or even law, no matter how boring it is. Perhaps I could go to ATC. Liz said she’s suffering there, but that’s mostly because of the people, and not the environment. I’m suffocating here. I can’t believe that I’d gotten so desperate as to even reconsider taking up law once more. I don’t want to waste three years of my life doing somthing that I don’t think I’ll like, in an environment I that slowly kills me.I don’t want to waste their money doing something I don’t like either. What. Should. I. Do. Total loss. I sat, ate, and waited.

Damn this first day curse of mine. Why do I have it? Why me? I still remember my first day in Sedaya- I was sick and didn’t feel like getting to know anyone, at least until the next day. In BAC, I got lucky on day 1- perfect health. There I was raring to go out and have a wonderful college life, but quickly tired of it and clamped up in a corner, stifled by unreasonable boredom that I could just barely fight off every now and then. Compare that to Lizbeth who on her first day sat alone, way at the back, wanting nothing more but to study in peace, but eventually ended up having what I was aiming for in the first place. The bloody irony of it all.

And now this sudden darkness that clouds my vision. My feet had started to hurt. I needed something to salve my wounded spirit, and the academic briefing that came next helped a little. It’s not what I’d like, though. A-levels was nice in the fact that it’s exam based. This one features projects, internships, and assignments, all of which are highly subjective and dependent on one’s relationship with the lecturers. Scary stuff. Went away shaken yet relieved.

Orientation will continue for a few more days, but I plan to take Geoff’s advice and skip them all. One is enough, as he said. I’ll be away in Bali from Monday till Thursday anyway. So here comes another escape from reality. Goodbye to you, my sad world. Try not to rot while I’m away recuperating from your lashes.



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  1. Well, I would gladly suck up and do presentations rather than having a 100% exam base course. Because literally I’m not that good in just studying 100%. But hey, if you think what your doing is not right for you, just pull out and don’t make the worst mistake that just anyone (me included) could make. But anyways first days are just like a virgin’s night xD

  2. Glad you noticed the connection. Pleasurable yet painful:p

  3. take something that you want to. it’s always bitter not havng to choose what u wana do. u walk ur future. remember that.

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