the currents of night are strong

August 15, 2008 at 10:21 pm | Posted in Thoughts | Leave a comment
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I stood outside the college as the evening sun warmed my numb body. It’s warmth didn’t help the pain in my feet. Walking forward, backwards, the slightest movements of the muscles in my feet dragged forth a jolt of pain in my defenseless ankles. Damnable Italian shoes. I suppose Italian men’s ankles are right next to their knees. So I walked and endured.

I didn’t say anything on the way back. Only upon reaching the gates of Sanctuary (home) did I venture- “Something felt wrong there…” or something like that. And it just went on. I just told them- that I didn’t feel comfortable there, my misgivings about the course, and that I didn’t want to waste their money. Registration fee isn’t refundable. What else is there that you want, they asked? Something without practical work? Psychology, I said. Psychology has practical work included. Move on. How about law? That would be suitable for you- it’s just reading. Law was what I tried to flee from. Confused? Not quite. I guess I was just… lost.

Sometime around 1am a loud screech tore through the air. Crap. I cringed, fingers hovering over the keyboard- I’d left my phone on loud mode. A message. Probably spam, I thought. Ignored it for another two hours, until sometime past three. It wasn’t spam. Message of encouragement. I kneeled over it on the cold marble floor, wondering exactly what the hell I was doing. I wondered if the moon was out, although I was too tired to look. A full moon would have been lovely.

Slept that night with a gnawing pain engulfing my feet. I had no dreams that night. Which, I suppose, might have been good- the night before the first day in college, I dreamed of turning on a strange tap, and being drowned by the torrential water that gushed out. Whatever effect the message I’d received had on me, it was too late by the time I woke up- father came into my room to tell me that he was going to go and withdraw my application. I was too lethargic in mind, body, and spirit to even mumble an answer.

Dad came back sometime in the evening. Withdrawal completed. As I’d told him the registration fees weren’t refundable, but he’d sidestepped that by having the bank cancel the cheque. How sneaky. What happens now? Law, I suppose. I’ve really nowhere else to turn to right now. Not BAC. Don’t think I can survive with one of the lecturers there, though the rest are fine. ATC? Perhaps- Lizbeth says the place is nice, although her course mates aren’t exactly an ideal bunch. Perhaps.

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