Critically confusticated.

December 4, 2008 at 8:27 pm | Posted in Dreams | Leave a comment
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The aftermath of Sunday’s (30 Nov, refer to previous post) outing. After all that talk about her, my mind decided to play tricks with me, and injected her into my dream. It wasn’t a grand, myopic, inescapable whirlpool of emotions, but something more… calm, I suppose, as if the tensions that should have been present were diffused, spread out in the air. It was a short scene- must have lasted less that a minute. Geoff, the one responsible for introducing her to me, was taking a photo of the two of us. I was standing behind her, both arms wrapped around her waist. She didn’t resist, and since I was behind her, I didn’t get to see her face. Does this even deserve to be called a dream? It seemed more like a snapshot image, one that doesn’t exist, and may never come true anyway. I suppose it all depends on how I handle things. It’s funny- when he first introduced her to me, I didn’t think too much of her beyond the usual spectrum of non-sexual male thoughts.

Our meeting could even be described as mystical, in a sense- as I walked past rows and rows of computers, I spotted a girl sitting at one, her back turned to me, and instantly I wondered if that was her. It was. Ever since that one day in APIIT, rarely has she ever crossed my mind, until Geoff brought up all his stories of her… I found myself placed in a most dangerous situation. I’d blanked out all thoughts of forming a serious romantic relationship for some time, for various (practical and impractical) reasons, but I fear that despite my hubris, I have fallen into a most devious local trap- a trap created by none other than my very self. I still have the ability to make a decision, however, and that’s always good. Do I fall in willingly, or turn back into my comfortable hobbit hole which is, by the way, much too low for me? Shouldn’t be a difficult choice considering the circumstances, but the former option isn’t exactly a guaranteed win, is it? Geoff seems intent on setting up an outing for the three of us. Or ‘using’ me as an excuse to get her to go out, as he said. Now I’m going paranoid. If I go, would I be a disturbance? Do I sense a love triangle in the works? Yes. I. Am. Going. Paranoid.

I’m seriously thinking too much, I think. Yup. I’m thinking that I’m thinking too much. A most excellent development. I pass by APIIT every day on my way back from college. Never once have I paused at the traffic light to think, “Oh that’s where Geoff and Jimmy are”. Not once. And now I notice myself thinking, “That’s where she is. Wonder if she’s there right now?” I had a mutual counselling sesssion with Lizbeth. Confessed that my major hurdle is a fear of commitment. I don’t dare commit to any serious relationship. I don’t like being disappointed. Besides, we’re in different colleges. She lives miles away from where I stay. How would we even meet up? Might as well be a long-distance relationship- like sending smoke signals from Alaska to Atlanta. The list of issues goes on and on, and I’m not going to bother elaborating any further.

Even though I still have that impassive plastic face of mine on, I am confused. Emotionally I am as stable as I could be. I am not losing my sanity over this, but it’s irritating me- I want closure- or do I want a new door opened? Huh. Confused is good. Lizbeth says the mere fact that I’m thinking of her more often means that I’ve already fallen for her, and not just simple interest/curiosity. I don’t know. What to do, what to do? So you who are reading this now, tell me what you think. Although I probably won’t listen to anyone, so it’s pretty much pointless. So don’t do anything. Turn this off and go get some sleep. I think I should. Sleep, love, and forget…

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