Paranoia left a message: happy birthday.

April 20, 2009 at 12:09 am | Posted in Thoughts | 2 Comments
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April 20, 2009. I am now 20. How nice. I don’t feel like I’m 20. How should one feel at this age? I don’t know. I still feel like a kid. An overgrown kid, maybe, but still a kid. Then again, according to one old timer in the anime Blood+, ‘to be able to say such a thing, you are already an adult’ or something like that, you get the gist. Crud. By saying that, I have proven my maturity. Can I take that statement back? What’s said is said, you say? Bah.

I feel like I’m just rambling incoherently. Calm down. I am 20 this year. What have I accomplished so far? Mozart started composing at 5. Okita Souji supposedly defeated a kenjutsu master when he was 12. John von Neumann, “mental calculator” at age 6. Mathematicians say that once one of their breed reaches 30, they are at their peak. I am no mathematician, but anyway, I have another 10 years to go before I am, in that definition, mentally dead.

Someone asked me how happy I am, on a scale of 1 to 10. I answered 7, but then again I probably chose that because I like the number. I don’t have any particular reason to feel happy. Nor do I have any reason to be sad. I used to be able to force a state of depression onto myself, but that ability seems to have faded with time,which is sad, but I’m not.

I am 20.I don’t feel like an adult. Maybe it’s because I don’t have any major responsibilities to entertain. I don’t work. I had a cat some time ago, but it died and it really wasn’t my job to take care of anyway. I’m single. I might stay single, because I take too long to establish serious relationships, but also because I’m just plain fussy. An old friend once said that I’d probably be the first to get married. I didn’t say this then, but I’d probably be the last bachelor left standing.

What am I doing? A degree in law that I don’t even enjoy, and take time to ridicule at every possible chance. But I don’t have anything else to go for. Nothing any of the universities or colleges offer interests me. My primary ambition is to make money for the furtherance of my pleasures, but that annoys others so I try to keep mum about it no matter how sensible it sounds. Why don’t they see a sensible plan for what it is? I’m not lost, just vaguely irritated.

I want to do something big. Something that will leave an impact. This isn’t for the fame, money, or whatever you can think of. It’s not that I want to leave my mark on this world- it’s more to justify my ego. I just want to do something. I am 20. How many years do I have left? Clock’s ticking.

Am I satisfied with how I am right now? Yes and no.There’s no easy answer to this. I have all that I could possibly need right now, which is good, but that’s just not enough. I want more. More, I say. I could run off to some faraway country and make a fresh start. But I won’t. I’m far too rational for that, although the thought is  rather intriguing. But not enticing.

April 20, 2009. I am now 20. Ten more years till the Mathematicians bury me. 20 years gone in a flash, and more to come. Chaos theory states that the remainder of my life will be meaningful and blessed, though not necessarily to my benefit. Someone might read this and try to console me, but it won’t work. Because I’m not sad about all this. Oh I’m trying to be sad about it, but I can’t. Saying such a thing after typing all this sounds a little odd, and therefore warrant a smile, but I’m not smiling either. It’s quite likely that I’ll forget about all this until I near 21. So happy birthday to me, for what it’s worth.



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  1. @A20: Haha, all I can say is: “You take things way too seriously”.

    Whether or not that marks your maturity, who can say? But to assess your life based on an anime quote (I don’t remember that in either “Blood” or “Blood+”), or compare yourself to geniuses who never felt the joy of surfing the web, or rate yourself based on dry mathematical theory, why? Like you’re drawing boundaries in the dirt or closing the window blinds, before you’ve even had a chance to smell the flowers or count the clouds… Maybe that u posted these thoughts at all, is a first step “outside of the box”. Maybe not.

    Then again, according to your rules, I’ve already been mentally buried. For years. ^_~

    • Well, that’s quite true, but I also throw it all out of the window once I’m done , so my self-analytical rants are usually inconsequential, hehe. Although I guess that some people who read this and don’t know me well enough might think that I really am a paranoid worry-wart.. oh well, this reply should clear things up, if they read it^^;

      As for the comparisons, I just like drawing parallels- seeing random connections in everything. I think the Blood+ quote came from episode 33, I just loved that show;) And as for the mathematical theory, as I mentioned before, I’m still reading ‘A Beautiful Mind’.. it’s really sucked me into the mathematical world. But you’re right in that those geniuses didn’t have what we have now- by virtue of the internet we’re actually ‘liberated’ in a GitS manner- the expansion of the human consciousness, I suppose^^

      I see that although the mathematicians would classify you as mentally buried by now, you’re still thinking sharp from down there, eh? But I think the rule only applied to their kind, though… so we’re actually quite safe, hehe:)

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