謎の美少年の消失: The disappearance of the mysterious youth [And a case of title theft]May 4, 2009 at 11:07 pm | Posted in Thoughts | 18 Comments
“A true rebel tends to be a loner. While a true loner tends to, well, disappear.”
So says fellow blogger Jay.
What’s gotten into me? I don’t normally quote others- I quote myself. Damning proof of megalomania, you say? Perhaps, but not at destructive levels. Well. Enough of that. Why did I quote Jay on that one? If you have the patience, read on…
Well, it’s been about nine months since I started my degree in law. Nine months, gone in an instant. Perhaps I’ve become inured to the flow of time- what a blatant lie, you say- just take a look at my celebratory birthday post. Haha. I suppose ‘ignorant till it hits‘ would be more appropriate…
Like when this guy I know in college casually told me ‘you’ve remained largely distant for the last nine months’. And I thought, wow, nine months? Already? Ah well, never mind the chronological issue- let’s leave that to the clockmakers. I told him that once I get to college, I’m normally too stoned to socialise, and that intense conversation tires me out, which is all true.
That’s right, I don’t socialise in college, no matter how odd that sounds. I do strike up conversations with others when, say for example, someone sits near me, and attempt to respond coherently all the time, even when I find the other person painfully boorish, which, thankfully, isn’t often the case.
Why do I do this? Why cut myself out of the picture? Here’s what I told another friend- I just don’t have the energy to create and maintain relationships. I don’t want to go out, talk to different people, spend time with them, only to realize that I don’t really care about them, or that they aren’t that interested in me.
Therefore, my solution: Excluding special cases where I decide to take the initiative, let others decide. They can come to me. They can work on getting to know me, and I will try my best to help in that, as well find out more about them. If they don’t have what it takes to keep it up, then they’re just not worth knowing.
Yes, I know, relationships go two ways. I really shouldn’t be doing this. But I can’t help it. I’m to delicate, too fragile for this game. Another friend once said to me, ‘you’re really hard to get to know’ and I told him, ‘but it’s been worth it, yes?’, to which he could only agree. And that, I suppose, is that.
You’ll have noticed that I’ve barely touched on the portion of Jay’s quote that mentions disappearance. Well, I haven’t disappeared. I’ve always been well known- why, I do not know. Back in high school it seems that everyone knew me- although I hadn’t the slightest idea who they were. Apparently there was this kid in the adjacent junior high school who admired me somewhat… being idolized by a little boy didn’t please me in any way, and I was thankful for the minimal contact with him.
Right now, I believe that in the eyes of others I’ve gained a reputation as a “謎の美少年”, or ‘mysterious handsome youth‘. Although that might just be my ego speaking, it seems quite plausible, given the circumstances. Well then. It appears that I am as visible as can be. There, but not there? Hmm.
It really doesn’t matter, anyway. Because I will be disappearing, in a sense. That’s right. I’ll be having my finals from the 13th of May till the 22th, and I have to *start* trying to study. And work on getting rid of this blasted flu. Therefore I declare this blog officially dead until then. Oh I will reply to any comments (I don’t get many, so this should be easy), mail, and whatnot, but yes, my online presence will be greatly reduced as I begin my… attempts. Farewell, then.