謎の美少年の消失: The disappearance of the mysterious youth [And a case of title theft]

May 4, 2009 at 11:07 pm | Posted in Thoughts | 18 Comments

“A true rebel tends to be a loner. While a true loner tends to, well, disappear.”

So says fellow blogger Jay.

What’s gotten into me? I don’t normally quote others- I quote myself. Damning proof of megalomania, you say? Perhaps, but not at destructive levels. Well. Enough of that. Why did I quote Jay on that one? If you have the patience, read on…

Well, it’s been about nine months since I started my degree in law. Nine months, gone in an instant. Perhaps I’ve become inured to the flow of time- what a blatant lie, you say- just take a look at my celebratory birthday post. Haha. I suppose ‘ignorant till it hits‘ would be more appropriate…

Like when this guy I know in college casually told me ‘you’ve remained largely distant for the last nine months’. And I thought, wow, nine months? Already? Ah well, never mind the chronological issue- let’s leave that to the clockmakers. I told him that once I get to college, I’m normally too stoned to socialise, and that intense conversation tires me out, which is all true.

That’s right, I don’t socialise in college, no matter how odd that sounds. I do strike up conversations with others when, say for example, someone sits near me, and attempt to respond coherently all the time, even when I find the other person painfully boorish, which, thankfully, isn’t often the case.

Why do I do this? Why cut myself out of the picture? Here’s what I told another friend- I just don’t have the energy to create and maintain relationships. I don’t want to go out, talk to different people, spend time with them, only to realize that I don’t really care about them, or that they aren’t that interested in me.

Therefore, my solution: Excluding special cases where I decide to take the initiative, let others decide. They can come to me. They can work on getting to know me, and I will try my best to help in that, as well find out more about them. If they don’t have what it takes to keep it up, then they’re just not worth knowing.

Yes, I know, relationships go two ways. I really shouldn’t be doing this. But I can’t help it. I’m to delicate, too fragile for this game. Another friend once said to me, ‘you’re really hard to get to know’ and I told him, ‘but it’s been worth it, yes?’, to which he could only agree. And that, I suppose, is that.

You’ll have noticed that I’ve barely  touched on the portion of Jay’s quote that mentions disappearance. Well, I haven’t disappeared. I’ve always been well known- why, I do not know. Back in high school it seems that everyone knew me- although I hadn’t the slightest idea who they were. Apparently there was this kid in the adjacent junior high school who admired me somewhat… being idolized by a little boy didn’t please me in any way, and I was thankful for the minimal contact with him.

Right now, I believe that in the eyes of others I’ve gained a reputation as a “謎の美少年”, or ‘mysterious handsome youth‘. Although that might just be my ego speaking, it seems quite plausible, given the circumstances. Well then. It appears that I am as visible as can be. There, but not there? Hmm.

It really doesn’t matter, anyway. Because I will be disappearing, in a sense. That’s right. I’ll be having my finals from the 13th of May till the 22th, and I have to *start* trying to study. And work on getting rid of this blasted flu. Therefore I declare this blog officially dead until then. Oh I will reply to any comments (I don’t get many, so this should be easy), mail, and whatnot, but yes, my online presence will be greatly reduced as I begin my… attempts. Farewell, then.

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  1. @A20: Ahh, well, u do seem to project a certain James Dean “rebel with a cause” atmosphere, intentional or not. I’m trying to remember, but I think I might’ve carried a similar aristocratic “why bother?” attitude in college too. Or maybe I told myself that as an excuse. Classes come and go. As do classmates and friendships. So why expend the energy?

    “They can come to me.” Coincidentally, my then-college-penpal-girlfriend (now ex-wife) first “came to me”. So I think marriage further insulated and chained me to that low-energy attitude. Yet oddly enough, also thawed me out. With others. Particularly women. So when divorce thundered down on me, I pursued that feminine attention. My Blog 186 is an irresistible example. After all, smiling female praise can be a rather mysterious elixir.

    Even more astonishing, with the introduction of a simple foosball table at the office, my childhood-and-college-bred “ninja” mastery of the game has witnessed male competitive praise as well. Another intriguing dynamic from my Blog 192, Part 3. Simple competition. Which has broken down the cubicle-walled “why bother?” barriers. Coworkers I never spoke to before suddenly became laughing opponents and teammates.

    First marriage. Then foosball. Two unpredictable elements which both warmed and cooled my untouchable attitudes. Maybe a similar one will strike u down someday soon too. If u haven’t already disappeared. Godspeed.

    • James Dean? I had to look him up on Wikipedia, haha. But did you mean “rebel without a cause”? I’ve never watched the movie, so I can’t really say anything about it.

      I really wouldn’t mind striking up friendships, but I just don’t feel like working on relationships. Sometimes, though, I do take the opposite path and ‘go to them‘. Somehow I get the feeling that I actually prefer random encounters as opposed to people I’m forced to meet everyday- so maybe it has something to do with my hatred for routine.

      I don’t think that I’ll get married anytime soon, nor do I enjoy foosball (more of an air hockey person), but I suppose something will hit me sooner or later, hehe. No worries on disappearing- my ego and narcissism won’t allow for such a possibility. But thanks:)

      • @A20: Ah, never watched the movie either. But he was one of those “died before his time” type celebrities along with Marilyn Monroe and Buddy Holly during the golden age of Hollywood. To this day, I think James Dean still personifies the “rebel without a cause” enigma smoking a cigarette and wearing a leather jacket… Yeah, I probably meant “without”. Although then again, can’t really push against a wall, if the wall ain’t there, right?

        Hmm, “forced to meet everyday” and “hatred for routine”. Kinda like a moving target? So people won’t have time to figure u out? Like a shark that needs to keep swimming or it’ll sink and die? Haha, intriguing. I guess it’s just a matter a time before blogging becomes just another hated routine. Another wall to push off.

        • Hmm, I think the walls are always there to be pushed, actually. Just depends whether you choose to see them or not. Think conventions, social norms, cultural guidelines, etc… all there to be James Deaned. Blogging, I hope, will continue to be an interest of mine. It seems likely that it won’t go away anytime soon- it already seems to function as a sort of alternative/supplement to my traditional written text diary.

          • @A20: Well, that’s what I meant, lol. Since the walls will always be there, he can’t really be “without” a cause, right? Hence, a “rebel WITH a cause” is more accurate. ^_^

            • @Jay: So you got it right, albeit unintentionally, haha^^;

            • @A20: So you haven’t totally disappeared yet? Oh wait, I forgot about your “ego and narcissism”, haha. But I didn’t expect that redirecting readers from my post to yours could be so effective!

            • @Jay: Haha, thanks for the mention! And yes, I did note at the end of this post that I’d reply to comments made here, although I neglected to mention that I’d still occasionally drop comments here and there- comments that don’t require deep thought or long sentences. Will get to your blog 201 after I’m done with exams- although by then you’d probably be at 202^^;

  2. Socializing takes a lot out of you – all the more so if you’re not accustomed to doing it. I wouldn’t let it bother you too much.

    • True- sometimes I wish I had more energy for it, though.
      As mentioned somewhere in the comments, random encounters are more to my liking.

  3. I’m rather fond of chance encounters too. They’re so strangely uplifting(when it’s a good encounter that is :P).

    • They do make for good memories, don’t they?
      The more the better- although that might turn it into a routine, which wouldn’t be nice>,<
      Guess one can’t be too greedy:)

      • Well, if they did end up being more common, then at least every encounter is unique, right? :3

        • Haha, you can’t deny that! I guess I’m a little too negative these days (I blame exam stress). ^^;

  4. I’m much the same way, I think. I really understand this line of though. I was pretty much the same in college, though I was also very shy. In HS, because my HS was small (300 students tops, 52 in my own grade), everyone knew everyone else. And because my mother was a teacher, everyone knew who I was. I didn’t talk to many people outside of my circle of friends unless they talked to me first. By the time anyone decided I was “cool,” we were about to graduate, lol. Suddenly some of them were like “Oh hey wow you can do this, or you’re into that?” Too late, oh well.

    I’m really bad at making friends, too. I just…don’t want to bother? I don’t really like being alone, although I do like my solitude (so I can play my games, watch my shows, read a book). I won’t turn people away who try to talk to me. But I don’t pursue relationships either, in much the same way and for much the same reason as you.

    I do regret it, to an extent. Because I just don’t really know anyone. I have so few friends. Of course this means I can get to know those few much better, but…. Sometimes I wish I had a group of people I could hang out with and do something with. A Guitar Hero group or…something. I get kind of jealous when I hear about people grouping up and playing video games together or whatever.

    I do think in college that I developed a slight reputation as well. As a quiet, studious girl who ignored everyone. I think many people thought I was kind of a stuck up bitch. In fact, I KNOW some did, because they told me so, lol. Some guy randomly came up to talk to me in the theatre building once and mentioned that he hadn’t before because he thought I was ignoring everyone, and might be a bitch. But I’m just shy and I get kind of self absorbed when I’m trying to read or study or whatever. To be honest, I think most people had no clue who I was, which I think hurt me when I tried to audition.

    • My HS was pretty much the same too. Small classes, and seeing each other each day, we really didn’t have much of a choice but to get to know each other.

      A girl once complained to me that guys have it good- if you’re silent and aloof, others just find you cool, mysterious, or something along those lines. If you’re a girl… well, you’re a stuck-up bitch. Hmm. The exact same words you used. This the general consensus amongst girls, I wonder? I’ve never thought of silent, loner girls as bitchy, but then again I’m a *little* out of touch with the modern male mind.

      “I think most people had no clue who I was”, but you also say that “many people thought I was kind of a stuck up bitch”… so they did know you, just wrongly, haha. Trying to think positive here- and probably failing terribly. Anyway, for someone to call a person names like that isn’t very nice, especially when they seem to know nothing about you. But then again, that’s how society works, *sigh*.

      Hope the audition went well, notwithstanding the depressing comment from Mr. Insensitive:)

      • No…he wasn’t really calling me names. I think he just meant he was afraid to approach me. He was actually a really nice guy (too nice, really).

        While it was a guy who pointed it out to me at that time, I did hear this from girls as well. So while quiet, loner girls may be considered bitches, I don’t think that’s a label coming from a single sex’s interpretation (since I heard it from both). The people who bother to talk to me know I’m a nice person. Though if I’m being perfectly honest, I CAN be a bitch at times, but I always feel bad about it later, lol.

        What I meant by saying that people had no clue who I was is just that. They probably see me, but it’s like “Hey, who is that again?” For example, I auditioned for a show with a HUGE cast, and I’d say 90% or so of the people who auditioned made the cast. I didn’t, and I know for a fact I could sing better than several of those who did. But I also noticed that those particular people were friends with the student who was assistant directing. Someone I’d had little to no contact with, and likely didn’t know who I was. So I considered this to be one of the reasons I was not cast, and I do not believe I’m at all wrong in the assumption.

        • Oh, that’s good to hear. I guess it was nice of him to approach you- although I don’t think I’d blurt out on the very first conversation “I was scared to talk to you cos’ I thought you’re bitchy”. Kudos to him for being honest and direct, though, haha.

          I wonder what’s really wrong about being bitchy. I suppose it depends on how one interprets it- somehow I’ve come up with a different version, that of a ‘provocative, fun, intelligent person who often screws with your head‘… nothing wrong with being a bitch, but don’t call me one without knowing me well enough, lol.

          Too bad you didn’t get the role, but I suppose it’s only natural that they’d be inclined to go for people they know- they’d probably find them easier to direct. More opportunities will come your way, I’m sure. Connections often seem to outweigh meritocracy- at least, in most places, they reduce as you age and progress from the education system into society. Here, I’m fairly sure, it goes the other way round, sad to say.


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